A Father’s Son

My father lives in my memories now. They’re spread out in the peaks and valleys of moments we had together. Some memories stick around longer than others. Like the one where I walk into his room and he immediately goes from frowning at his window to opening up a big childish grin. Exactly like the one I used to give him when I was a child and he came back from work. Our roles were now reversed because when you spend most of your days alone, there is no higher peak than watching your likeness walk through the door. So the day I walked into his room and found him lifeless, what hurt the most was that he died alone. That this time there was no one to keep him company after a long lonely day. 

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It’s All Your Fault

I’ve had someone to cuddle with for 5 years now. I can’t think of anything else I have been committed to for 5 years that doesn’t involve wearing a uniform. There’s nothing more intentional than choosing to be yelled at for peeing on the bathroom floor every single day of your life. It’s been one hell of a ride, with sometimes the emphasis being on the hell. So far I have made enough mistakes to lose her more than once, but for some reason she stuck around and my life is better because of that. 

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When you finally read this, you’ll be back home and 3 months will have passed since the day you decided to check yourself back into rehab. There’s so much that often goes unsaid between us, but a lot needed to be said on that day and I should not have let you go without hearing these words. I should have stopped the car.

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A Roundtable

We didn’t choose to be here. We opened our eyes one day and found a rule book written for us by our parents and the society around us. The rule book is a description of the path we’re meant to follow and the goals we are supposed to chase. In the beginning you don’t have much of a choice; your identity is defined by the world you are born into. For most of your childhood that identity will be protected by the very people who wrote your rule book. You only know what the world around you exposes you to. You’ll live safely under the roof they built until one day you’re kicked out to go build your own home. Your own life. You can keep the rule book to use as a blueprint, but from this point onwards your actions and their consequences belong to you and you only.

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Use Things, Love People

What’s the difference between the things you love and the things you use? When are they the same thing and when are they not? How much does your life change when you no longer have them? How much do you notice when you no longer use them?

The most money I have ever spent on a pair of shoes was Ksh 9000. They were Nikes. The first time I held them in my hands I felt great power. I was transported back to a time when the only shoes I owned, were hand-me-downs given to me by friends whose feet were markedly smaller than mine. To this day, my feet still bare some of the scars I got from wearing shoes that were too tight. So for the first time in my life, I belonged in a store where the minimum amount you can spend on a pair of shoes is Ksh 9000. I spent the minimum. When the cashier gave me my receipt, I fought the urge to frame it up on a wall as evidence that these were indeed original Nikes. It took me a while before I could bring myself to get rid of the box they came in; that too could be evidence. When I walked over to my shoe rack I bulked at the realisation that there was no space left for the holy grail of my footwear. When did I buy so many shoes?

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A Mother’s Son

My mother lost her job as a bank manager and started selling fish by the roadside. The roadside where her friends drove past on their way home from work. Where my friends passed on their way home from school. Most of her customers were believers at the Church where my father was an elder. There is an image that has stayed with me throughout the years. In it, she is sitting in her kibanda surrounded by customers who are dying laughing. She fit right in. Of all the memories she left me with, this is the one that casts the biggest shadow. I am now a man grown and nearly a year out of a stable job. I have achieved things that would no doubt make her proud, but I have never felt more distant from her than I do now. If I am her son then it doesn’t show, because she would be so much better at this than I am. 

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What Does This Button Do?

If there is a cause I choose to fight for, it is curiosity.

Indifference is a prison in which only ignorance can live. You can’t forge the truth in the same way that you can’t slap chains on it. The truth is forever free, those who stopped looking are the ones who stopped finding it. The only way we are going to find answers, is through a genuine friendship with the unfamiliar.

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We Can Do Better

You have fathered a child, now go and be a father.

This is not a men vs women thing. This is a healing thing. This is about your child and not your ego. No amount of finger-pointing will change the unmistakable fact that a child has been brought into this world. To make this about blame is to shift the focus away from the child. There is no answer that lies away from the child. The answer is the child and the child is the answer, for us to accomplish anything we cannot allow the two to be separated. This is about showing up.

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Bent, Unbroken.

I don’t know anyone who has never failed.

Life thrives on the unpredictable. We know who we love, but we don’t know when we will lose them. We know what we want, but that there are still no assurances. Nothing is impossible in the same way that anything is improbable. Earthquakes and accidents exist in the same world as weddings and baby showers. Both can happen to you. Control, you see, is an illusion. Neither you nor I have any.

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On Your Way To The Finish Line…

A dear friend asked me how she got lost. Why she no longer recognises herself. How she came this far and forgot all her achievements. How she washed up on the beach and had nothing to show for it. How the success she had in the past never made it to shore with her. This is my letter to you, me and her.

Jeritah, I hope this finds you well…

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